i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
