Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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