ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
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Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
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The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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