so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
We named our party play list daddy issues
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
