he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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