the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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