Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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