A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
