There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
