I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she looked like the before picture.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
