You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
This toilet bowl is my home.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
