Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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