i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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