i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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