I just pynch a tree in the face
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
