Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
