GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
