Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize