So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
