is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
