im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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