I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
