So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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