1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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