dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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