she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
It's official drugs can't kill me
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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