as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
