if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I deserve this hangover.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
