ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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