i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
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Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
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I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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