defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
