Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
