I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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