Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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