shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
