I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
