You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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