i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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