To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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