the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
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Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
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It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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