You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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