My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
