five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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