i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
