Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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