Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
