Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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