I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
