why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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