I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
