Got a toothbrush?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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