i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
