Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
