I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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