swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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