I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
