I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
