Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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