I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
