He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
